I have been deep in thought today as I nurse some of the physical pains I am currently experiencing. Yesterday I had the strangest of symptoms occur. I woke around 4:30 am and I thought I was experiencing what could be best described as bad heartburn. I quickly took an antacid for immediate as well as long term relief. The morning was busy as we had my wonderful Mother and Father In-law staying the night with us, it was also our dear MiKayla's opportunity to speak in church prior to departing for her mission to serve the Lord. There were last minute preparations to be made for the open house after as well as my absence at church for Primary. It wasn't until returning home from that wonderful church meeting that I realized there was perhaps a problem. I had been preoccupied with the wonderful things of that morning and hadn't eaten or had anything to drink, until coming home. I drank some water which passed ok but cause a painful feeling in my chest as it did so. Then I ate a bite of food. That didn't pass through my throat so easily. I'll spare this blog of the details but I did finally successfully rid my throat of any blockages and decided to just enjoy the day and all that I needed to help with and worry about eating later. Much later. My physician called me himself concerning a different matter but I know that it was The Lord's prompting that had him call. It wasn't about my test results that were unremarkable. It was for me. The Lord knows that I had had a prayer in my heart that day and I was feeling especially uneasy about what was happening. I am grateful for my Dr. who is also a worthy priesthood holder, in tune with the spirit and willing to act upon promptings. He called in some medication for me and my sweet husband went to get it and I savored my first meal for the day. Today I continue to experience a milder form of yesterdays painful swallowing as well as increased pain in my back and side. It is my belief that the pains I am experiencing are due to the inflammed lymph nodes that reside in my chest and back. Perhaps there is more to learn about these physical pains and they are of an unknown origin but for now that is what I feel is causing them. Physical pain is a frustrating thing to experience. It immobilizes us like nothing else can. It can cause reflection and regret that easily lead to despair. I've been there. I have felt the mental pains that accompany the physical limitations caused by physical pain. I have a friend that said to me in regards to her anxiety that it is the Lord's way of telling her to slow down and look around. What truthfulness there is in that. I've learned so much, gained so much perspective, become more patient, loving, willing to overlook other's short comings, more able to see others as the Lord see's them. What I haven't learned is how to see myself as my Heavenly Father does, how to forgive myself my short comings and how to keep that perspective concerning others long term. I am grateful to be reminded in a talk I searched out today this statement by Elder Spencer W. Kimball who said: “We knew before we were born that we were coming to the earth for bodies and experience and that we would have joys and sorrows, pain and comforts, ease and hardships, health and sickness, successes and disappointments; and we knew also that we would die. We accepted all these eventualities with a glad heart eager to accept both the favorable and unfavorable. … We were willing to come and take life as it came” (“Tragedy or Destiny,” Improvement Era, Mar. 1966, 217). What is quickly becoming one of my favorite scriptures and one of the first ones I have memorized is DC 121:7 "My son (daughter), peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;" I know that as I put our faith and trust in the Lord,and continue to battle emotional and physical pain day by day and sometimes hour by hour, even moment by moment; that I am gaining a greater understanding of that counsel that was given to the Prophet Joseph Smith during his struggles in Liberty Jail. I am learning and trying to put my trust in the Lord and to faithfully hold on during this trial. That just as my Doctor is my earthly caregiver the Lord is my ultimate caregiver. "We must surrender ourselves to the Lord. In doing so, we give up whatever is causing our pain and turn everything over to Him. “Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee” (Ps. 55:22). “And then may God grant unto you that your burdens may be light, through the joy of his Son” (Alma 33:23). Through faith and trust in the Lord and obedience to His counsel, we make ourselves eligible to be partakers of the Atonement of Jesus Christ so that one day we may return to live with Him."

Withstand with Courage

In light of recent opportunities I have been given to grow in patience, faith, long suffering and hope, I am resurrecting this little personal blog. It is my hope that it will be come a journal of inspiration for both myself and those that may read it. There will come a time of reflection when the current days of growth are behind me. Days where memories are full of insight for the future and so much learning from the past. The good news is that I slept last night. I am typing with heavy eyes and a hopeful heart that there is more sleep yet to be had. I know that prayer is my first line of defense in being able to go back to sleep but I felt impressed to "study" a little first. My mind has been a tornado of thoughts and emotions the last few days. There are times where I am happily riding out the storm from the safety of the shelter that I have created but oh so often the integrity of my shelter is compromised by the continuous winds. I am working on keeping my hammer with me at all times to strengthen my resolve and increase faith in The Lords plan. The First Presidency message for this month is "Withstand with Courage" “What does it mean to endure? I love this definition: to withstand with courage. Courage may be necessary for you to believe; it will at times be necessary as you obey. It will most certainly be required as you endure until that day when you will leave this mortal existence.” I have been given the opportunity to struggle with my health. Something I have taken for granted over the years and terribly abused as of late. How intricate the workings of our bodies that each system so intimately effects the others. I want my writings here to be less about the details of the day to day pains and symptoms and more about having and growing faith in Heavenly Father's plan for me. More about the examples of his hand in my life. “If all the sick for whom we pray were healed, if all the righteous were protected and the wicked destroyed, the whole program of the Father would be annulled and the basic principle of the gospel, free agency, would be ended. No man would have to live by faith.” I am learning to have gratitude for the challenges of this life and choosing to believe that my Heavenly Father's hand is in the small details of my life. He knows exactly the pain that I am experiencing. While I have what seems at the moment a new symptom every days. When the difficulty breathing comes I know that my Savior has experienced the same only with an intensity I could never imagine.There is a darkness that besets me. Times where the worry and the physical pain, the shortness of breath, the difficulty swallowing, each and every symptom is like a rain cloud coming to hover in attempts by the adversary to lesson my resolve and determination. I know that it will be through my faith and hope in my Savior that I will be able to HAPPILY endure all things. The 13th Article of Faith says, "We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul—We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things." I hope to be an example to my children and friends of someone who "endure(ed) all things". If Heavenly Father were to free us from our challenges simply because we asked, He would deny us the very experiences necessary for our salvation. We must learn to trust in God’s plan for us and submit our will to His. As we align our desires with His desires and acknowledge our complete dependence on Him, we may qualify to receive “the end of [our] faith, even the salvation of [our] souls” (1 Peter 1:9)